You, my one year old baby, are crying...and my heart is breaking...
Your screams split through the night silence and my heart clenches. I so badly want to go to you and pick you up from your crib and hold you and snuggle until you are comforted but I am so tired, and I just need some time alone. I'm exhausted and yet I'm feeling guilty. I feel like I really should go to you but I need my quiet to continue to remain sane.
It tears at my heart to hear you scream and cry. I feel like the worst mother in the world. I feel like I should know better, after having two other children, how to soothe you but in these moments I feel so helpless. I've tried everything but I still needed to put you down.
I need to leave you to cry so that you can soothe yourself. So that you won't need me as much. This is the first step of independence for you and I need to help you achieve it.
I need to leave you to cry so that I can gain a little independence myself from you. You're my last baby and I tempted to hold on tightly to that babyhood. I don't want to let it go and yet I must.
You gaining your independence means you're moving more away from the baby that was born to me a year ago. Even now, I look at your face and see you fast becoming a little toddler. Though relatively still a baby, you are not the baby of six months ago. And that breaks my heart.
And so you continue to cry and my heart continues to break but I know it's for the good. You will get tired soon and fall asleep and innately realize you don't need your mother's arms to rest. I will drift off to sleep too, getting the rest that I need so that I can be one hundred percent present for you tomorrow when we'll be together. Then I can once again soak in the baby that is you and you can once again nestle in my arms.
But until then, I will bear this pain.