Your screams split through the night silence and my heart clenches. I so badly want to go to you and pick you up from your crib and hold you and snuggle until you are comforted but I am so tired, and I just need some time alone. I'm exhausted and yet I'm feeling guilty. I feel like I really should go to you but I need my quiet to continue to remain sane.
It tears at my heart to hear you scream and cry. I feel like the worst mother in the world. I feel like I should know better, after having two other children, how to soothe you but in these moments I feel so helpless. I've tried everything but I still needed to put you down.
I need to leave you to cry so that you can soothe yourself. So that you won't need me as much. This is the first step of independence for you and I need to help you achieve it.
I need to leave you to cry so that I can gain a little independence myself from you. You're my last baby and I tempted to hold on tightly to that babyhood. I don't want to let it go and yet I must.
You gaining your independence means you're moving more away from the baby that was born to me a year ago. Even now, I look at your face and see you fast becoming a little toddler. Though relatively still a baby, you are not the baby of six months ago. And that breaks my heart.
And so you continue to cry and my heart continues to break but I know it's for the good. You will get tired soon and fall asleep and innately realize you don't need your mother's arms to rest. I will drift off to sleep too, getting the rest that I need so that I can be one hundred percent present for you tomorrow when we'll be together. Then I can once again soak in the baby that is you and you can once again nestle in my arms.
But until then, I will bear this pain.
OH man I hate hearing baby's cry. Even if they are not my own. It is heart wrenching and when it is yours, and you are in that place of teaching them some independence that is the worst.. the absolute worst..
ReplyDeleteI am doing the cry it out process now, too. It is SO HARD to not pick them up when they're squalling for mama mama mama in the night. I love my little girl so. It is all I can do to stay away. But I too need the rest. I need a clear head in the morning. And I know she will learn that she's not abandoned. Doesn't make it any easier, though!
ReplyDeleteI'm going through this very struggle right now.
ReplyDeleteIts tearing my heart out.
This has to be killing you. I can't even stand to hear someone else's baby (or toddler) cry because I want to do something about it. I hope you get through this soon.
ReplyDeleteOh, mama ... I feel your pain! I have a one year old, too (her bday is 3/2) and sometimes, you've just gotta let them cry because your sanity is more important in that moment. It's still heartbreaking but it's a necessity!
ReplyDeleteOh, yes, girl- been there. The desire to comfort, but the exhaution and knowing they need to learn on their own...it's a fine line to walk!
ReplyDeleteOh boy-tear jerker here. My third child and my final baby is 10 months old and yes, I so want to hold onto this baby stage. It is hard to let them grow up, but well we know we can't stop it either. It is going to happen.
ReplyDeleteGreat post-came from Shell's
It seems worse with the third, doesn't it? You just want them to stay babies forever. At least I do.
ReplyDeleteoooh! So true! it never gets better, no matter how many children you have or how many times you've been through it...
ReplyDeletebeautifully written...breaks my heart for you
Oh I have been there too! It is the hardest point, no matter how many kiddos you have. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteLetting them cry is so heartbreaking! I know that feeling of complete exhaustion...I also know the feeling of want to run in and hold them. It's so hard.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. Great post! Visiting from Red Dress!
ReplyDeleteIt even hurts after you've had your own kids to hear the cry of other newborns. It's amazing, the power of that cry to reach inside a parent and draw out that most protective part of them.
ReplyDeleteStopping by from RDC
Awww! I'm sending hugs your way! That's the worst. I hope that he's settled some since you wrote this. That was beautifully written. Stopped by from Shell's link.
ReplyDelete