Wednesday, November 16, 2011

PYHO: Losing My Womanhood?

This Thursday, I am going in for surgery to possibly (strong possibility) to remove one of my fallopian tubes.  There is a sizeable mass either in or on the tube itself and the doctors want to remove it.  They don't think it's cancerous but they won't really know until they go in and see.

I'm a little scared.

A lot apprehensive.

I'm ready to back out.

This fallopian tube is a part of my reproductive cycle.  It's an organ that physically and specifically defines my womanhood, like my uterus.   To not have it anymore is a daunting prospect.  It's a part of me, after all.

The doctor is decisive as is my husband.  If the mass is in the tube, the tube has to go.   Goodness forbid if this mass causes my fallopian tube to rupture.   That would mean emergency surgery and we wouldn't want that.

No, I think.  We wouldn't but then taking my fallopian tube means it causes my chances of getting pregnant to take longer.   And what if you affect something else in that area?  Cause damage of some kind that limits my chances of getting pregnant again?

Not that the hubby and I are planning to have anymore children -- at least we're 98% sure of that.

But still,  what about the 2%? I think.   It's nice to have the choice.

Only one tube.

Will I be half a woman because part of what defines me physically as a woman will be gone?

I know the answer to that.  Physical body parts and organs aren't the only thing that make me the woman I am.   I know.

But still it's hard not to feel that I will be less the woman I am physically because part of my reproductive system will be gone.  That area will not be whole ever again.

So I'm sad.  Grieving a little...over the loss of part of my womanhood; over the possible loss of the opportunity to be able to bear children again; over the fact that my reproductive system will not be whole.  A huge piece will be missing from it.

I know I shouldn't feel sad.

I know I should just focus on the three beautiful boys I have, but I can't help think that this could be the end of my childbearing times.

I'm just saying.

I am grateful for my life - wish feverently that this mass is not malignant and that I go through the surgery with no complications.

As I work through being okay with only having a part of my reproductive cycle.

According to my husband, the "healthy" part.

He's 100% right.

I'll just need to have my moment to grieve.

I promise it won't be a long moment and I will come out of it grateful for the blessings I have.

Pouring my heart out at Shell's...