Monday, April 23, 2012

Missing That Career...

Seven years ago I officially stepped away from my production career film/television because I was about to give birth to a baby six months down the road.

I remember walking through the set of the indie film I was working on, clipboard in hand (I was a producer on this particular production) thinking about my pregnancy.  I hadn't told my friends and colleagues in the industry at the time and wasn't planning to.  No need to alert the media at that point and I didn't want anything to distract from my fairly new role as producer.

This would be my last film I knew as the husband and I agreed that it was a good time to step away.  I would so miss it.  I was on this  career track, working my way up to being a producer in film production and I would have to put it aside for awhile.

It made me a little sad but I was happy with my decision.  I was going to be a mama soon and that baby would need me more than any set cast and crew ever would.  Of course in the back of my mind, I would wonder "What will happen to my career?", "Will I be so behind when I decided to step back onto this track?"

I thought of two of my close friends in the business at the time - both like me, working in film and television and on the same track I was on, who were single at the time.  I thought of how their careers will continue to grow while mine's will be on pause - at least for a time.

I was watching a news segment the other day on mothers working in the television industry that highlighted three producers at CNN and my heart clenched.  They were successful, enjoying their work as producers and enjoying their children even as they faced the challenge of juggling it all.

I thought to myself while watching the segment that could have been me.  My career would have been at that point possibly or even close to it.  I could've been that successful mom producer/writer working in the film/t.v. industry.

My heart clenched mainly because I missed that production career.

However, deep in my heart, I don't regret the last seven years I stayed home with my boys working as their full-time Mom.  I do in moments feel like I've disappointed my independent, career minded mother who expected major accomplishments from me in the world of film production.  Not that it's too late, though I am not getting any younger.

Three kiddos later, the prospect of stepping back into the production world for me is a scary one.  How behind will I be?  I still  love it as much as I love my writing.  Honestly I can't see any other working career for me along with the writing career that I had been pursuing alongside that production career all those years earlier.

I've stepped back on the path of that writing career which excites me to no end.  I'm faithful that there will be accomplishments within it.

I won't lie though.  I do miss that production career.  So much, at times, it hurts.

In moments, I feel like I don't know where to begin on that path again now that we're here in Colorado.  I'm not living in or near New York City as I was seven years ago where the opportunities are plenty.   I'm in Colorado where the pickin's exist but aren't as plentiful.  Where film production is limited.

Besides, timing wise, it's just not feasible to do it on a full-time basis.

If I had to do it over again, I would make the same decision to step away and be that mother full-time, but I can't help in moments feeling like I'm missing out.  I'm not waking up mornings and going to work as that "producer/writer", heading to a production office, surrounding myself with colleagues like me.

There's a time for everything.  I get that.  This is my season for being this stay-at-home mother.  I'm enjoying it.  This time with the boys - so, so important and so needed.

In the moment, it is good and it is enough.

My season for becoming that established writer is now here and I'm on that path.

The season for me to be that producer again can come around, again.

But for all that is happening right now, where I'm at, all is well.

I need to remind myself of that, constantly.

All is well and it is enough.

Full time mothers out there - do you miss your career?  Do you think you'll be going back, you think?  Do you want to go back?